Jiah

On the morning of 3rd June, 2013, Twitter was abuzz with talks about the tragic death of a young Bollywood starlet, Jiah Khan. Born on 20th February, 1988, this brazen beauty entered cinema with a highly controversial film Nishabd. Not many of her age can boast about romancing The Big B on silver screen. She could.

Getting your big break in the film industry can still be earned through hard work, a little luck and some hard core networking but sustaining your success is another ball game altogether. Many young faces have fizzled out and the same happened to Jiah Khan. Desperately seeking a chance to do quality work whilst jostling with obsessive insecurities that most actors face, she was also involved in an abusive relationship with another struggling actor Suraj Pancholi.

Fairly young, handsome, wealthy and high on testosterone, this boy belonged to the neo-urban class that believes in partying hard and partying harder. I don’t know much about either of them and I’m no one to comment on his character or her character but what happened perturbed me at a deeper level. It shouldn’t have happened.

Apparently, Jiah was pregnant and both being at an unsettled stage of life, it made sense to undergo an abortion. Both of them wanted to make a mark in the industry first. Suraj was trying to leave this behind him and made it obvious with his philandering. It took a toll on that translucent soul who needed to recuperate from the loss of her unborn child.

What must have gone on in her head before she hung herself from the ceiling? “My boyfriend sucks… Nobody wants to work with me… Nobody wants me…. Maybe, they’ll want me once I’m dead. It’s not worth the pain. I should die. Yes. I should die. That will show it to the world. Yes, you suck. World, I’m talking to you… You suck. Suraj.. You suck! May you burn in hell. I’ll die and then you can rot in jail. You ruined me.”




No matter how horrendous your life is, there will be someone out there whose life will be far worse than yours and ending your life is not the answer. The rest of your life is ahead of you and then you cut it short abruptly? You can’t take revenge on anyone by dying. There’ll be many assholes that will come your way but by harming yourself, you are letting them win. You are reaffirming the fact that bullies rule the world. This is your chance to shine, not to bow down under their oppression.

We forget to view circumstances with a different perspective, sometimes. We dwell so much on our pain, our misery, our failures that we forget that there is more to life than this. Talk to other people. Let them give their opinion on matters which disturb you deeply. Sometimes, we miss out on details that they can spot instantly. We like to think that we are in the deepest of deep shitholes. It makes us feel special in some way. But guess what, that’s not true. You have to break out of that self-pitying cycle and really face your problems rather than dwelling on them indefinitely.

City life can be excruciatingly demanding for many. We are constantly competing with one another, if not directly then indirectly. It’s a dog eat dog world out there and in a profession like Jiah’s especially, keeping up appearances is extremely critical. You have to smile. You have to portray that your life is perfect. There will be a hundred people that you talk to but sometimes, there is no vent to let out all the pressure that has been accumulating. The line between real friends and the fake ones gets blurry as over a period of time, you never know who’s going to be there for you. Everyone has to live their own life and everyone has problems, apparently, some more than others.

At times like these, you need a safety blanket. I’m sure if Jiah would’ve called her mother or her sisters that night instead of calling her boyfriend, she would’ve changed her mind. She would be cuddling in her blanket having hot soup. Fine, Suraj shouldn’t have sent her a break-up bouquet. That was stupid and who so ever has started this service should terminate it immediately. But my point is she gave too much priority to a person who was clearly messing up her life.

We do that. We give disproportionate amount of importance to random persons in our lives and take for granted what we already have. Love is blind, I understand. But is it foolish too? If Jiah was churning out blockbuster after blockbuster every friday, she wouldn’t give a flying fuck about what that boy was doing. In her loneliness and insecurity, she wanted solace and comfort. She searched for it in the wrong places.

They say that every time you fall in love, you tend to lose at least 2-3 close friends. As exciting as it is to welcome a new person in your life, forgetting your old friends is going to leave you with empty pockets. Stay in touch. The serotonin rush is heady, I admit but there are some things that you can share only with your friends. They give you a reality check.

Being in a relationship demands love, respect, loyalty and space. There are couples who do everything together and I respect that. Some individuals don’t want space but then there are those who get suffocated and start acting out in unacceptable ways. Philandering, physical abuse, emotional blackmail and what not. You merge your identity with another person but don’t forget who you are. You are your only person, remember that.

Take time out. Meet new people. Travel. Spend time with family. Do your favourite activities. Pamper yourself. Listen to music. Read. Don’t invest everything in one place. Spread yourself thin and widen your safety net. Quality time is more valued than quantity time. Let the other person miss you. Let yourself miss the other person.

Nobody wants to be in love with a person who can’t be in love with themselves. And when they say, “Ghar ki murghi, daal barabar,” they mean it. Value yourself if you want others to value you. You want to be treated like a queen? Then, think like one. They’ll be eating out of your palms.

Women forget that all the time. I wish Jiah had called her mother. I really do.

Love happens only once. That’s a myth! Very idealistic but by the time you are 30, you’ll fall in love at least 5 times. I know septuagenarians who remarried at that age. You have to believe that you’ll find love again. You deserve to be with a person who truly fits into your mould.

You really want to give up your life for a buffoon who doesn’t know what he’s missing out on? What about the hotties that you’ll miss out on if you die? Didn’t think about that, did you?

The court rejected Suraj Pancholi’s bail plea recently. I haven’t read that letter Jiah wrote and I’m still undecided on how much of a jerk Suraj is. However, I know, this tragedy could’ve been avoided.

It’s a Big Bad World out there but it’s not that bad either. There are little pixies that come out at night with golden dust in their hands. They blow it over your eyes while you are sleeping (unless you are awake and playing DOTA). You’ll wake up to see a magical world. You’ll see things you’ve never seen before.

You just have to Believe.

The Mistress


You were there last time
To hold me together
When my world collapsed
And the gloom relapsed.

I came to you…
With teary eyes and sorrows untold
Not knowing what to do and who to hold.

Enveloped in your blanket of comfort
I forgot the worries that haunt
For those moments of heat,
There were no caveats.

I gave myself whole and soul
Without a second thought
With no objective or goal

I let you engulf me
Unquestioning and unbounded
To let this mystery unfold

I woke in the morning
To shade you from light
I left you a note
To tell you of my plight

I left.
Never to return
To be found again
When you want to get lost and regain
That tenderness of anonymity
That solace of unfamiliarity.

I hope you’ll be there next time
To hold me together
When my world collapses
And the gloom relapses.






Let Me Be.

When the sky was falling down

I closed my eyes

What I saw, took me by surprise

Little did I know

That you would be there

Waiting for me as if this was your place to be.

 

In the warmth of the moment

A colorful mass whirled in my head

Where it took me

I didn't care.

 

All that there was to know

Is that you are here

There is no despair.

 

How is it possible for this magic to be?

No reasoning

No doubts

A fact for all to see.

 

How come I did not see this coming?

Was I really that blind?

Or was it a feeling so much a part of me

That I never realised?

 

The sky is falling down today

Everything is falling apart

Somehow, it is only today that things make sense

Somehow, there is an evanescence

Because today, for the first time

I tasted your essence.

 

My eyes are still closed

Closed to the chaos that won't let me go

Can't we stay in this comfort forever?

You wrapped around me

and me hidden under?

 

Don't let me open my eyes

Lest the magic be scattered

Wait, just for a few more centuries

Let me learn the plains

The contours

The swirls

The mess of you, of me

Please let me be.

 

The sky is falling down

While my eyes are closed

Lost in this colorful mess

Shh...

Let me be.

A day with you

in

This is no poem, no rhythm, no rhyme           

It's what i feel

It's what i want you to feel             

A love so warm that it melts a stone

A stone of a heart which you claim to own.

 

When you open your eyes I don't know what you see

But today let me show you the world as it is to me.

Sunshine falls on my face to wake me up

To tell me that it's time for me to buck up.

 

It's a new day

It's a new beginning

It's another reason for me to live

Cause this gives me an opportunity

To come closer to you                                                            

To feel your warmth

To touch your hands

And realize that it's not all that bad.

 

When I see that smile on your face

Somehow, this world feels like a better a place.

When i feel your warmth against mine

Somehow, every moment then on seems more divine.

Together we can walk on rainbows

Together fruits of joy, we sow

Walking steps to match yours

Ready to catch you when you fall.

 

We bicker like a bunch of hungry cats

You scratch me but I bite you.

In the end, I'll come to you

As you lick my wounds so shall I too.

 

Pockets full of chocolates I stole

Gluttony queen that you are

You ate them whole.

The chocolate smeared on your nose

Made me crinkle my toes.

How can you be so adorable?

 

Gosh! I feel like locking you

Within the wraps of these arms.

Then the day comes to a close

I stood there alone on the terrace

As the moon arose.

While gazing at stars

I got a message from you

Which said -

"Look at the moon

It has a message from me to you

No matter where you go

I'll always be there

To watch over you

So don't be scared

you are mine only."

 

Bubbles burst inside my heart

I close my eyes and wait for another day to start.

Everyday you give me a reason to laugh

Everyday I wait for those bubbles to burst

A passion for life singes inside

Somehow, you do a magic that quenches that thirst.

 

It's beautiful

It's crazy

It's all this and much more.

Under My Skin

Source: Wikimedia

Source: Wikimedia

Mushy marshlands of grass under my feet

Running after you to beat the heat

Yellow butterflies twirling round my head

Between our fingers was tied a strong thread

This was the first time you got under my skin.

 

Noisy classmates bickering over books

Sitting next to you on a bench with hooks

You tried to pull out my skirt which was stuck

Everyone was whispering, yet you didn't give a sock

That appalling humiliation got under my skin.

 

It was the day I stood first in class

I rushed to you first, to celebrate with a glass

Your hands were nestling the curls of her hair

That moment I realized, little did you care

A flurry of hot tears flowed down my cheeks

Yet again, you got under my skin.

 

Was walking down the aisle

As the man of my dreams welcomed me with a smile

As we were exchanging our wedding vows

I glimpsed across to notice your dejected brows

The priest confirmed for everyone's approval

You faked a smile that was oh-so-jovial

Not surprisingly, you got under my skin.

 

A season of spring and winter had passed

Fate had us attending a funeral mass

Melancholy of a widow, no one could guess

But the warmth of your hug did not let me be depressed

You were here with me again 

I was so glad this time, that you got under my skin.

 

We sat on a swing in Central Park

Rays of sunlight danced on our mark

Breezy winds caressed my grays

Wrinkled hands held on to each other through rough days

Your head rested on my shoulder

That is when it hit me - 

You were destined to be under my skin.

Fierce!

She held me in her shadow..
anger seething into a boiling yellow..
her bright eyes cast a glance..
no gestures.. no words..
the vibes conveyed but one thing..
she is fierce!

Unnerving anticipation...
my heart tiring with palpitations..
"What is she going to say?"-
that question ran through my head..
much to my dismay!

Yet lips were sealed..
Yet issues remained unhealed.
Her gaze said the unsaid..
No apologies could deceive..
a heavy heart that was the thief.

A strand of her hair fell on her face..
my fingers moved without any haste..
tucking it behind her ear...
making amends without any fear.

Seizing the moment..
Ending the torment..
Hands around her waist..
Nudged her towards my chest..

Sorrowful eyes met her brilliance..
a halo of warmth spread around us like fragrance.
She listened to my heart beat..
she put her feet on my feet.

Just when the nerves settled..
the silence before the storm was rattled..
Punches were blown all around..
left.. right.. center.. up and down!
Her cat like claws dug deep..
yet it was affection and not rejection that heaped.

She held me in her arms..
her love exalting into a deep purple..
her affable eyes burst into tears..
no gestures.. no words..
the vibes conveyed but one thing..
her love is fierce!!






True Love v/s Independence

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For me, as a person, the single most important virtue that I lust for is INDEPENDENCE. OH my God! The liberation and joy of this feeling is unmatched to any other. Independence of thought.. of choices.. of actions.. of expressions.. of finances.. of expectations.. of sustenance. It is said that man is a social animal and we genetically need others to make our clock tick. But how true is that? Personally, i feel we are all blessed with the essential basics to survive on our own. What we make of these basics is in our hands...

However, there is one concept that intrigues and alludes me. It is almost too tedious for me to comprehend-" True Love". "Love makes the world go round..." - so i have heard. While i agree that it is mutual love that is crucial to our peaceful existence, it is difficult to fathom the concept of "True Love". How is it possible for us to be in love with one person for our entire lifetime? It defies logic and genetics! Biologically, we are bound to be attracted to unaccountable persons of the opposite sex ( or the same, your choice!).

The need for a partner and a want for another person's constant involvement in your life robs the essence of independence. This person that you commit to shall be a natural candidate for your dependency; since, the bond is stemming from mutual attraction, trust, attachment and respect. True love and independence are contradictory in nature since a partnership/relationship implies consensual symbiotic co-existence of two fruitful lives.

According to me, commitment is a product of cultural evolution. Being monogamous was far more healthy (in terms of sexual and emotional health) and even negated the possible confusions that may ensue in one's social life. For example, consider that a man impregnates a woman. Assuming that concept of marriage has yet not been applied, lets study the various complications that may arise.
 

Now, lets see, you do not have to undertake scientific researches to conclude that women are not blessed with as many arms in their arsenal to fight out for survival, as much as men are (considering physical strength). Men were supposed to be the providers and women were hardwired to be care-takers. Nurturing an offspring is a demanding venture. Protecting and caring for the offspring comes naturally to woman considering that a deep bond is cemented during the 9-month gestation period. While a man is more adept at roughing it out in the jungle for sustenance in terms of food, water and shelter. So, now, if a man has to father a child for more than one woman at the same time, resources get divided. The natural protective impulse of a mother would be to secure as much as possible for her child. This leads to a clash of interests.
 

Supposing, if a woman is party to multiple sexual partners and eventually gets impregnated. The role of a father has to be played by the one responsible for the fertilization. Again, there is a conflict of interests between the men involved with the concerned woman. Such situations and maybe even worse may have occurred. Not to mention, the kind of health risk involved in such promiscuous sexual activities. It is not that such situations do not occur even now. Yes, they do but the frequency and intensity is relatively minimal owing to the institutionalization of the concept of MARRIAGE!

Polygamy had its ill effects on health and social existence. Hence, the natural solution veered towards monogamy. Procreation is inevitable. If the tendency of this phenomena to occur is restricted to one couple then the ethical confusion ends then and there. Commitment was more natural for females than males because after the birth of a child, most of a female's energy and impulses are absorbed in the well-being of the child. Subsequently, the need or desire to get involved in sexual activity is muted generously. Such is not the case with males. Inherently, they may not be bound by such impulses. However, once committed, the protective impulse is imbibed in their systems and attachment to the offspring is also a natural progression. The love between the two parents amplifies with new experiences they go through together.
 

However, man is essentially selfish and paying heed to natural impulses is inevitable. A loose base of a "commitment" cannot bind him. Thus, the institution of marriage came into existence. Marriage is a binding commitment which is enforced by the society at large. It is a man-made law established to bring order in an otherwise cacophonous world. Commitment is cemented and thus, the exclusivity is maintained.
 

Now, getting back to the 21st century, the roles of the provider and care-taker are intermingled. Monopoly of men over "hunting" has ended as now, even women are empowered with the will to do so. As opposed to the earlier means of earning livelihood, today "hunting" does not demand as much physical exertion. A female can secure food, water and shelter for herself with as much ease. In fact, a household is more stable if both the partners can contribute to the basic necessities. Sometimes, situations demand a sensitivity of a mother from a father when caring for the child. Men and women are truly becoming EQUAL.
 

The above statement it true although the many centuries of ethos inscribed in our social fabric are difficult to disembody. Cultural evolution is also painstakingly slow. Women are blessed with a unique and amazing gift of giving birth. which men will never get a grip of. The initial dependence of women on their counterparts for security is abating steadily. Some sectors of society are yet to feel the winds of change. It is safe to say that the wait may not be too long. So, here is my question... what is then the need for marriage? What is then the urgency for commitment? Is it security that we are searching for? Or is it that humans were destined to live as couplets?! If one can sustain individually then the reliance on another person is moderated. That earns you independence. That is liberation!

"True Love" is clearly an abstract concept and it is the work of our subconscious that leads us to the most suitable partner to procreate a better offspring complementing our own genes! However, it does not imply that there is only one unique person that can "complete" us. The Earth is overflowing with human population! Do the math!!